Two hours ago I started to sit down at the computer to write, really write. But first I had to move aside medical statements that needed to be filed away. There was also Essie’s Math book filled with over a month’s worth of lessons that-though graded-haven’t been recorded. The room echoed when I moved the chair because I still haven’t managed to get pictures hung on the wall and furniture where I want it. Looking around everything is a reminder of something more important that needs to get done. About that time the baby started getting fussy and I needed to visit the restroom. I set the baby in the bedroom so I could make the quick dash and when I came back I wished I had just taken him with me.
Two hours later I looked at the dwindling battery on the laptop and wrote the words above. Then the baby smiled at me and the computer died.
The next night, I sat down again and wondered if maybe I do need to take a break from blogging if only for a month. But what if one month turns into two, three, six, or maybe even an a year. I fear I am dangerously close to losing this blog. I was moving along such a nice path and now…now the baby is crying.
An hour later I try to return to my thought with the baby awake, not screaming, but kicking my arm while I type.
Is this it?
I know eventually I’ll get a moment to myself but when it comes will I want to write? Or will I decide to take a shower instead? Maybe get ahead on homeschool work? Organize my crafting supplies and materials now that the addition is done? Do a little cleaning? Will I want to share a tutorial for you to add to a Pinterest board filled with more of the same?
I’ve been trying to get to the computer all day to answer that question and right now the answer is no. Right now I’m just trying to quiet the desire to run away from my life. Right now I’m telling myself not to be one of those mothers who resents her children. Right now I’m trying to find a meaning to my existence so this doesn’t feel so pointless. Right now I’m yelling at them to stop fighting and with that the baby is crying again.
The baby is balanced on the desk between my chest and the keyboard as I read this post and cry. It leads me to this post and I cry some more. I consider the blessed thought that this haze may just be post partum depression but then the baby starts crying and I need to make dinner.
There is a fine line between giving up and quitting and I can’t tell which one I’m leaning towards. I just know things are not working like I expected or even like they have in the past. It feels like my days are not my own…not one single part of them. And it seems if I’m not meeting my obligations the only thing left to do is lessen them. My horoscope says, “You bump into a wall that you didn't know was there. It's easy to cope with it once you see it, but it may be jarring to realize there are limitations you were unaware of. Reorganize your thinking.” So that’s what I am going to try to do. Reorganize my thinking.